Still Be Mine
by gorenrocks
Summary: A Bobby/Alex story, and is about their struggle with both their partnership and personal relationship during the very difficult years beginning when Captain Ross started. Spoilers for 6,7,8. Starts during ep The War At Home. T for now, M later.
1. Burning Out

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Dick Wolf. I am just borrowing them for a little fun.

**Still Be Mine**

gorenrocks

Chapter One

_From the end of, __The War At Home:_

_  
Captain Danny Ross said, "Good job, Detectives. If you can give me your paperwork…"_

"_You can save it. I'm leaving." Detective Robert Goren interrupted. "You wanna fire me, fire me. I don't care," he finished under his breath, and the big detective tossed his leather binder across his partner's desk, not bothering to watch it sail over to his own. _

_

* * *

  
_

Standing next to her Captain, Detective Alexandra Eames watched Bobby announce to the entire squad room that he did not care anymore. Did not care about his job or about their partnership -- and did not care about _her._

He was pushing her out of his life completely. _And that was entirely unacceptable._

The anger that had pummeled her weary body finally surrendered its assault, and the knot in her twisted gut came undone like loose shoelaces on a toddler. A cold bucket of fear doused the remaining embers as she wondered what she could do to stop her partner's hemorrhaging rage before he lost everything.

Alex glanced at Captain Ross who was watching her. He frowned, almost a grimace, shook his head of dark brown curls, and then stalked back toward his office. What would he do now, had his limits been reached, or exceeded? What trouble would he make for Goren?

_Fuck Ross, she thought. _So what if Bobby pushed his buttons? Ross always had to be the alpha dog and always made it known, too; he seldom gave Bobby a break. Stopping only to grab Bobby's leather binder and her car keys, she ran to the elevator and prayed she would catch him before he left. She had to shake some sense into him, and above all, she would never let him push her away again.

* * *

Alex nearly laughed aloud with relief when she saw all six foot four inches of Bobby Goren lumber tiredly toward his vehicle. Now, how to make him wait for her… ? _Bobby, listen to me, please! _

"Goren, wait up!" Even from the distance, she saw his sturdy frame stiffen and he seemed to hesitate, as if debating whether he would actually stop. As she quickened her pace and his broad shoulders loomed close, she realized as her heartbeat raced that she had not yet worked out what to say to him.

Her breath came in short, sharp gasps once she reached him, and she clutched his binder protectively against her chest. Bobby's dark brown eyes smoldered while he studied her intently, but he made no move toward her and his lips remained drawn in a tight straight line.

Finally, he said, "Eames, I have to go. Now."

"You can't just leave, Bobby," she explained patiently, as if chastising her nephew. She calmly handed him his binder.

Goren wasn't buying it. "Yeah? Well watch me."

Alex grabbed his arm and squeezed his bicep. This stopped him cold and, eyes narrowed, he stared at her hand as if it were a rare artifact.

"Look, Bobby, you have to let me help you." Alex waited until she had his attention, but his gaze was unfocused. Still, sensing she might be losing him, she forged on. "Talk to me, so I can put in a request with the Captain. _What _do you need? A week? More? Tell me and I'll put in the paperwork for you. "

"Eames," he started, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I will not let you do this. We are **_partners_**," Alex whispered, and then paused, trembling, nearly choking on the word and everything it meant to her, and what she believed it still meant to him. "Maybe you don't care about that right now, but I do."

Alex blinked back the hot tears and pushed down anger that would do neither one of them good. She loved this man and knew he loved her; they had both admitted it during too many drinks after cases too filled with pain. They were closer than most partners were, in fact she did not know of any that were quite like them. An intensely private man, through the years he had shared his life with her in both unguarded moments and intimate conversations during long stakeouts. Then after her kidnapping and his mother's illness, he had shut down and abruptly ceased communicating.

Bobby gently pried her fingers from their death grip on his upper arm. Anxious, she looked up at him, and found his veiled gaze betraying concern. She could use that information to her advantage, so she twisted her hand and squeezed his, capturing three of his big fingers in her tight grasp. She moved her body to his side; their arms and hands entwined and pressed between them.

"I will not let you give up on us, Goren."

Alex felt his body tense but she did not flinch from his unyielding stare. Finally, he nodded once, and she stepped back and released his hand. Surprisingly, he held on to hers and rubbed his thumb across her wrist, and she shivered.

"Okay," he nodded again, "okay. I'd like to take a week off."

"Fine," she said. He let go of her hand and she hugged herself tightly, now visibly shaking. "Go now. I'll take care of everything."

A muffled bang startled her and she jumped. Definitely not a gun and most likely a car backfiring but enough to jar her already edgy nerves. Shivering again, she glanced at Bobby who appeared unfazed and was staring at her.

"You-- you're cold." Her big partner shrugged out of his brown coat, and wrapped it around her shoulders. The suede jacket's weight and warmth overwhelmed her senses, and it was as if Bobby embraced her. Alex took a deep breath and stared down at the oil-stained ground, fighting back the sting of tears. His hand briefly tipped her chin, and looking up she saw him study her eyes until he was apparently satisfied. He flashed a ghost of his old smile before he turned and quickly walked away. Worry warred with hope – a rush of longing that the Bobby she so desperately needed would return to her soon.

TBC

_If it all fell to pieces tomorrow,  
Would you still be mine?_

_--Take It To The Limit, The Eagles_


	2. Put Me On A Highway

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns the characters, not me. I'm just having some fun.**

**A/N Thank you so much for reading, and for the reviews. I appreciate it! **

**Still Be Mine**

gorenrocks

Chapter Two

Alex hated hospitals, although she supposed nobody liked them. Before her husband Joe died nearly ten years earlier, she tolerated them as both unavoidable and necessary. Now the mechanical whirls and beeps, and the stink of antiseptic still made her nauseous. So instead, she examined her neon blue visitor's card, checking the room number, visiting hours from eleven A.M until eight P.M., and it was almost seven-thirty in evening already. There was no name on the card, but it was not one she would forget.

"I'm looking for Frances Goren. Is this the right room?" she asked the tall brunette nurse behind the long, curved station.

The young woman eyed the card and nodded. "That's right. Two doors down and across the hall." Large hazel eyes regarded Alex, and then the nurse smiled. "But she is sleeping, and will be for quite a while. She's been heavily sedated."

Alex frowned. "Why?"

"Well, she'd been having trouble getting any rest for quite a few days and she'd become quite... disturbed. The doctors finally thought it best."

"And when was that?"

"Earlier this evening. Not all that long ago."

"Is she alone?"

"Oh no, her son is in there with her." The nurse smiled. "He's devoted to her, he's been here for two days straight, and he'll probably spend another night tonight. Probably not the best thing, though."

Alex looked down, and then tried, but likely failed, to sound casual. "No? And why is that?"

"He looks almost as exhausted as she did. He tries to catch a few hours sleep. But he's such a big guy, ya know? And such a sweetheart, too." The young woman grinned, and then blushed. "You… are you his girlfriend?"

Alex just smiled. "Thanks." She turned on her heel and walked away

._Bobby's girlfriend. _She took a moment to imagine what it would be like but she felt uncomfortable in ways she had no time to examine.

* * *

Alex had not bothered to leave a message on Goren's cell. She knew he would not call her back unless it was an emergency, and he had caller-id so knew she had called and how many times. She had checked his apartment and he was not home but even that was a formality. She had known he was here at the hospital.

Standing at the entrance to the room, she peeked through the open door. The lights were off, but it was bright enough for her to see.

Alex let her gaze rest on Bobby's mother as she slept. The older woman, who suffered from schizophrenia for many years, was a fierce fighter. She had a strong will and vibrant spirit, but now she looked impossibly small and frail. Alex could tell she had once been a beautiful woman, but her brushed back hair made her face look gaunt and her body thin. No wonder Bobby had panicked. He must literally feel and see his mother slipping away from him, but this time there was no coming back.

Bobby slept twisted on an impossibly small hardwood chair shoved against the wall. He wore a dark blue long sleeved shirt with a darker blue t-shirt underneath, and blue jeans. His unshaven face was smooth, appearing worry-free, full lips slightly parted, and his breathing slow and even; as if he did not have a care in the world.

"Bobby," she whispered. She laid her hand on his shoulder, rubbing her thumb against his neck. He leaned into her touch, and then his eyes slowly opened as he awoke.

"Eames," he rasped, his voice thick with sleep. He swallowed, and looked around, then up at her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she spoke quietly. "How's your mom?"

"She's… she'll be asleep for awhile." Bobby stood, looked down, and then at her, expectantly.

"I brought this for you -- your jacket."

He nodded. "Thanks."

She handed him the coat and he tossed it over his arm. "I talked to the Captain," she continued. "He said to tell you that the week is no problem. And to let him know if you need more."

Bobby said nothing. He looked at his mom; he looked down, glanced quickly at Alex and then away again. Frustrated, she folded her arms tightly against her chest, unable to recall ever being so ill at ease with her partner.

"You look exhausted, Bobby," she blurted. "You need sleep."

"Eames, look, I'm," he paused and dragged his palm over his cheek, "I'm fine. Thanks for returning my jacket. Come on, I'll walk you to your car."

"Alright," she agreed, thinking that getting him out the door was half the battle.

* * *

The night was clear but the air had turned bitterly cold. Chilled to the bone, Alex rubbed her arms as they walked to her car. Bobby stopped her.

"Where's your coat? You're freezing."

"I didn't bring one. I wore yours."

"That's crazy – here, take this."

"No, Bobby. I'm not taking yours. Let's go." She walked briskly toward the car. Bobby followed, caught up, and cupped her elbow, stopping her. "Alex, come on, don't be like this."

"Oh, so now it's _Alex_?" What was it with the coat? Why should she let him help her? She felt a blast of resentment, and she was helpless to stop it. She shook free from his grasp. "Don't you understand? I told you no!"

Alex rushed to the car but Bobby easily kept up. Her entire body shook as she searched for her keys when Bobby suddenly grabbed her hands. She gasped and stared as warm, long fingers enveloped her small hand, a simple act, powerfully physical. Her eyes shifted and fixed on his intense brown gaze. What did he expect from her? She couldn't help shivering again and wished he would let her get into the damn car.

"I don't… do you…? Why are you so fucking pissed off at me?" he demanded.

"Why am I...?"

She stopped talking as her throat constricted and heat flushed her neck and chest. The wind felt good as it whipped her hair across her face. Fueled by anger she ripped her hands from his grasp, only to shove her palms against his chest; he did not budge, but her keys dropped to the asphalt with a harsh clatter. Frustrated, she leaned back against the car, swallowing gulps of cold air, and watching him bend low to pick them up. Then he moved next to her and folded his arms, waiting.

"Your mother…might be dying. I get that." She wiped her hand across her eyes. "But how can you make decisions if you are so tired you can't think straight? How will you help her if you lose your job and can't support yourself?"

"I can handle this myself, Eames."

Alex shook her head. "No, obviously, you can't." She stared at him until he finally looked at her. "What's wrong, Bobby? Is it so hard, so impossible, to let me help you?"

Bobby closed his eyes. "Just how are you going to do that?"

"You're completely exhausted. I will drive you home. You get some sleep, eat something decent, and come back tomorrow when you're rested."

Bobby turned and leaned face forward against the car, folding his arms atop the roof, resting his head on them. His shuddering breaths shook his chest, and Alex stood perfectly still before she reached up and laid her hand on the back of his neck. His skin felt dry and hot on her palm, she curled her fingers and rubbed gently.

"I know…this is hard, Bobby."

Bobby turned suddenly, and lips twitching, he wrapped his jacket around her body before she could escape, letting his knuckles linger just moments on her neck, giving her goose bumps. She was about to rip off the damn coat and hurl it in his face, but then he held up both hands, motioning, _I surrender._

"Okay, Eames. But I'll drive myself home."

"Oh, I don't think so. You're a road hazard."

"And you're a traffic cop."

She could not help smiling, but all he gave back were raised eyebrows.

"I'm your partner," she snapped. "I've seen you drive on eight hours sleep, let alone two hours crammed in a chair built for people half your size."

"You don't need this in your life, Alex," he said quietly.

She heard what he did not say; _You don't need __**me**__ in your life._ And she wasn't going to let him slide, either.

"I do need you, Bobby. Where do you get off telling me who or what I need in my life? When I was healing after Jo Gage, I needed you, and you needed me! And I couldn't deny you then, any more than you can deny me now."

Bobby was silent for a minute, and then said, "I have to let the nurses know."

"Call them."

"My car, it's parked all the way around the hospital, at the other end of the lot, and there's stuff I need—"

"We'll drive around and get it."

"I have to come back here tomorrow."

"I'll drive you, I have the day off."

"You'll have to get up early."

"I get up early anyway." Alex looked down and to the side, blushing and trying desperately not to look at her partner. She lifted her hand, casually, she hoped, to hide her smile. Bobby bent and tilted his head, getting close, and then closer, until she felt his breath warm on her cheek. Finally, she could not hold back and started to giggle before giving in and looking at him.

Bobby was smiling and it was a beautiful sight. She had a brief urge to laugh hysterically, but successfully fought it back because she was so delighted. It had been weeks or more since she had seen him genuinely happy, and smile so naturally and she did not want to ruin it.

So she grinned and batted at his shoulder. "Alright, Goren. I lied. So you'll pay with coffee and whatever breakfast I require to motivate me. Understood?"

Bobby said nothing, but quickly straightened and he walked around to the passenger side of her car. Peering at her impatiently, he said, "I'll see what I can do." He waited for her to unlock the door.

Sometimes she really did not know if she wanted to help him or to strangle him. She seemed to have won round one, but she was not fooling herself, and knew they had quite a match ahead.

TBC


	3. Show Me A Sign

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns the characters, not me. I'm just having some fun.**

**A/N Thank you all so much, for reading and staying with me so far, and for the kind reviews. I appreciate it! **

**Still Be Mine**

gorenrocks

Chapter Three

Gusty wind and potholes rocked the car on the drive to his apartment, but Bobby slept through it all. Alex's car was small and he generated so much warmth that she turned the heater down. She drove with him more than without him, but tonight felt different. For one of the rare times in their long partnership, she felt she was with Bobby Goren the man, and not the detective. She liked the feeling, very much.

He was still sound asleep when they arrived at his place. She unfastened her seatbelt, shut off the engine, but reluctant to wake him, she kept the radio playing. Another blast of wind shook the car as she settled back to watch him sleep. He looked peaceful and as she pulled the soft suede jacket around her, she felt calm and almost happy. Turned low, the classic rock beat was familiar and comforting, and she almost felt as if she could sleep, too.

"Hey," his quiet voice startled her. "How long have we been here?

"Not that long."

His brown eyes shone brightly in the lamplight, but the tranquility of sleep was gone. He cleared his throat and rubbed his neck.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I was just about to. I wanted to hear the end of the song."

He nodded and after releasing his seatbelt, he shifted a little, folding his arms.

"I uh," he looked out the window, then turned back and faced her dead on. "I wouldn't have quit. Would never have…walked out on you."

Alex froze. Then she wanted to shout, _you did walk out on me – twice! _Even though she knew he meant ended their partnership. Walked out of her life. The effort to stay calm and quiet squeezed her lungs to near bursting. The pressure turned to pain, which burned bright red against the back of her eyes.

"Well, see, Bobby, Captain Ross didn't know that," she responded carefully, keeping her voice neutral.

"The Captain? Well, he, uh," Bobby stammered, hesitated, and covered his mouth.

"Ross what? He _talked _to you?"

"Yeah, he, I… he and I—"

"You talked to him and you didn't tell me?"

Bobby winced, grabbed her hand, and trapped it between both of his. "Wait, Eames—I had no choice. He cornered me."

"And where was I?"

"I don't know. I only know where you weren't -- and that was in the men's room at One PP."

Jaw slack, Alex stared at him, wide eyed. "Is there anything that man won't do to stir things up? What did he want?"

"Oh, not much. Just my soul and a pound of flesh," Bobby grumbled, and leaning back, he sighed. He squeezed her hand. "I didn't tell him anything. Just enough to get him off my _back_."

But Alex saw him standing in the elevator and heard him say, _Back off, _as clear as the day he said it. Fear ate her gut and confusion clouded her mind as uncertainty about their future surfaced. A future that did not include Bobby Goren and that would be unbearable. Wetness tickled her cheeks and she clawed at her skin to wipe it off.

"Everything about that horrible day was fucked up," Bobby added quietly.

"I didn't know what has happening, Bobby. You wouldn't talk to me."

That was when Bobby realized she was hurting. He studied her with such care and concern, that more tears fell, as if a sudden squall hit her eyes and she could not stop them. She hated it and her throat closed, choking her breath and shaking her body. Steady and strong, his arm circled around her, and pulled her against his body. His cheek felt warm pressed against her hair.

"I know. I'm sorry, Alex," he said, simply. He tightened his arm around her and smoothed one hand down her back. She let herself snuggle against his broad chest and grab a fistful of his cotton tee. _No wonder victims respond to this man and his gentle comfort,_ she thought idly. When he ran his fingers through her hair, and stroked her neck and face, she felt special and safe, and she felt loved.

She was not ready to leave him and go home, and the way she felt, she did not know when or if she ever would be. His mother must feel protected and cherished – or did she? Maybe she had no idea that her amazing son loved her, and gave him no love in return. This thought almost made her cry again.

"Eames—"

"Bobby, I—"

"You go first."

"No, you first, Bobby."

"Okay. Would you come inside for a little while? For a cup of coffee?"

Alex considered his red-rimmed eyes, dark circles, and gaunt features, knowing he was still completely shattered. They used to work long, late nights on difficult cases. They would order pizza, and drink strong coffee until their heads buzzed. Lately, they spent most those long nights separately, and she missed the time she spent with him. She longed to regain their trust, their closeness.

"Eames? Please? I'd… I'd like it."

"Okay," she agreed, knowing he was exhausted. Maybe she could help him wind down. "So would I."

Bobby relaxed a little, his lips turned up in a small smile. "Good."

He was slow to let her go, and as she turned off the car, she felt his eyes follow her every movement.

* * *

Bobby's apartment was just as she remembered -- neat and clean, everything in its place. While he locked the door, she removed his big jacket and hung it on the coat stand.

"I'll, uh," he pointed toward the kitchen, "I'll make the coffee. Be right back."

Alex stopped him with a touch to his back. "Wait, let me."

"No, I can do it," he insisted, but did not move away from her.

"You're gonna drop on me, Goren. Come on, go sit on the couch."

"I'll—I'd rather sit at the table with you." Then he settled his arm around her waist while they walked to the kitchen together.

They decided to have tea instead of coffee, because it had much less caffeine. Then they made small talk while sitting at the kitchen table, until she noticed his slumped shoulders and moved them to the living room. Alex sat close to her tall partner on his big cushioned sofa. She set her tea on the end table, and curled her legs underneath her.

She felt bold by the intimacy of the moment, and ran her fingers through the soft curls at the back of his head. He leaned into her touch while watching her with sleepy eyes.

"Bobby, how is your mother? Really?"

"Ah," he tensed a little, but did not pull away from her, "she's been so agitated that… that we can't really find out. She will not cooperate or talk to the doctors. It has been difficult, and that is why I… I finally agreed to let them, let them sedate her. I had no other choice."

She watched his breathing become uneven. When he covered his face with his hands, she realized that in just moments, his mood changed dramatically. It seemed that handling his mother's illness was slowly defeating him.

Alex let both her hands glide slowly across his muscular back in a gentle massage. "I know you did the right thing," she whispered, continuing her soothing touches. "And you'll keep doing everything you can, Bobby." Her fingers drifted to the back of his neck, moved to the sides, then to his cheeks. His skin was more than just warm.

"You're burning up!"

He lifted his head. "It's not… I'm-- Don't worry."

"But Bobby—"

He snatched her hand, curled it in his, and pressed it against his chest. "But Eames, your hand is so cold. Why is that?" he demanded, his eyes boring into hers. His mood had shifted again.

"Because you keep it set like the Arctic in here!"

"Is that right?" His eyes traveled over her body. "We'll see about that."

She felt hot and flushed, knowing he was not talking about the temperature setting.

"I need—I'm going to take a shower, if that's okay," he announced abruptly. He stood, pulling her up with him, and stared at her as she watched him peel off his long sleeved shirt, leaving him in his blue tee. "Will you stay a little longer?"

"Yes, I will." _Just ask me, Bobby, and I will always wait for you. _

Neither moved until Alex freed her hand, spun around and headed to the kitchen. Wondering if his heart was pounding as fast as hers was.

* * *

Alex heard the shower go on and off. She made some sandwiches and set them on the kitchen table, then went to check on Bobby.

He was not in the living room and the bedroom door was half-open. A nightstand lamp lit the quiet room, and she saw him sprawled out on the bed in a white v-neck tee and dark blue boxers. He was on his back; his arm behind his head, knee bent and leg dangling over the edge, and one foot on the floor. His chest rose and fell in the slow rhythm of deep slumber.

She padded in and turned off the light, and even while resting, his energy and attraction overwhelmed her so that she started trembling. She gave in to her need and paused by the bed to watch him sleep, so handsome and virile, yet vulnerable to her gaze. She wanted to touch him, to slip her fingers under his shirt and stroke his naked skin, to suck his heat into her own body and quench his fire. She closed her eyes and imagined climbing on top of him, giving him her strength, and taking away his pain. She ached to hold him and never let him go, and to stay with him forever.

But this was a fantasy and she was dreaming; it would never happen. She turned and walked out of the room.

TBC


End file.
